When you and your wife first married, was the sex life the two of you shared really great?
And, after a relatively short period of time, did the frequency-level and passion-level drop off significantly… such that now, the sex life the two of you share is a major source of frustration for you?
If yes, then you have plenty of company. Perhaps more than any other, this is the unhappy story that I hear from married men.
I frequently have men tell me that they feel so much dissatisfaction in their marriage that if they had it to do over, they would have NEVER married their wife… or any woman for that matter… and that if they ever end up divorced they will never again marry. As I listen to these men, the deep-seated pain, hurt, resentment, and anger towards their wife is apparent.
In a nutshell, many a husband feels that he has been cheated and defrauded by his wife. He feels this way because the MAJOR thing he married her for is the MAJOR thing she refuses to share. Specifically, he married for one predominant reason: closeness, intimacy, and sex with a woman that he was attracted to… and that is what he ends up getting the least of in his marriage.
All too often, the typical husband feels like his wife has figured out that his desire for closeness, intimacy, and sex is the one lever by which she can control him, manipulate him, punish him, hurt him, or hold him hostage… and she capitalizes upon this unethical leverage with all of her being.
In the mind of the typical husband, IF his wife LOVES affection, intimacy, and sex with him then she LOVES him. But, if she does NOT love affection, intimacy, and sex with him… then she does NOT really love him. For his wife to love sex with him… is for her to really love him. Given the not-very-sexual nature of so many marriages, this means there are a LOT of husbands who do not feel very loved in their marriage.
And, on one hand, it is easy to sympathize with the plight of the typical married man because WHILE he and his lady were dating… and when they were first married, she WAS really into being close, intimate, and sexual. His lady LITERALLY painted the picture that she was everything he wanted in a woman. His lady WAS VERY focused, specific, targeted, and strategic in causing him to believe that she was everything he had ever dreamed of in a woman. While they were dating, she acted as if whatever issues, problems, and baggage she had did not exist.
But then, all too frequently, once the man made the leap… and made the commitment… and planted roots… once he let himself get “locked in”… THEN his wife began to withdraw and withhold from him the very thing he married her for. Now that they are married, well now all of a sudden her issues, problems, and baggage from the past are reasons why she cannot be close, intimate, or sexual.
This is why many men feel like they were “trapped” by their wife. They feel like they were “sold a bill of goods” only to discover AFTER THEY HAD PAID THE PRICE that they had been scammed and conned.
(Perhaps it is the influence of hundreds of thousands of such unhappy, frustrated married men… combined with backlash against the VERY male-unfriendly, dad-unfriendly family-law system… that explains why there is a significantly-upward trend where more and more young guys refuse to marry… choosing instead a friends-with-benefits, easy-come-easy-go lifestyle where they give no commitment or legal-leverage to females.)
But, regardless of the back-story, the fact remains that these men ARE now married. They DO have roots now. They have commitments that tie them down… their job… extended families… a mortgage… plus children and their activities and networks… and it becomes easy to understand why so many husbands feel “imprisoned”.
(This also makes it easy to understand why some men just walk away… why they leave everything they love and care about more than anything else behind… and just disappear into a whole different world.)
Of course, IF the wife of these men would just continue to be the wife that she was when they first married, then they would not be feeling this way… rather, they would be feeling “in love” and committed. But their wife is NOT the wife that she used to be… and so pretty much everything these men do… and everything they are involved in… loses its meaning.
Consequently, these men find themselves struggling with questions such as:
1) What happened to my wife? Why did she stop being the warm, affectionate, intimate, and sexual woman that she used to be?
2) What can I do to restore what we used to have? What can I do to take our marriage back to what it used to be? What can I do to bring back the intimacy and sex we used to share? How do I get my wife back?
3) Is it even possible to bring back the closeness and intimacy that we once shared? Or, should I just forget about ever having a satisfying relationship with my wife again… and just find myself a mistress on the side? Or, should I just walk away from it all… and go start over with some other woman?
Sadly, by the way their wife phrases things… by the way their wife criticizes and condemns their interest in intimacy, affection, and sexual desire… by the negative thought patterns of their wife… by the hateful, spiteful, belittling attitudes of their wife… most husbands end up feeling like having a satisfying marriage with their wife is a hopeless pipe-dream… and therefore, they must choose between the options of a life of misery, a mistress, or a divorce… options that NO normal man wants to have to choose from.
He WANTS a fantastic, satisfying relationship with his wife… but he does not know of any way to create that kind of relationship.
Continuing on with our topic… a common and popular explanation for why a woman stops being as affectionate, intimate, and sexual after marriage revolves around the notion that a woman’s chemical-makeup changes… for no controllable or explainable reason… after marriage… and especially after having children… such that her sex-drive drops off… such that she no longer feels the hormonally-driven desire for sex on the same level that she did previously.
This explanation is accepted by men the world over. They do not like it that their wife has changed… but they can accept this explanation because it “feels good” to find out that the reason their wife has shut-down sexually has nothing to do with them. In other words, if the problem is due to a chemical change in their wife, then that is a failure on her part rather than a failure on his part… and that soothes his ego.
The problem is, this commonly-accepted reason simply is NOT true. Here is what you must know: a woman does NOT lose her sex-drive just because she got married. If anything, her desire for sex increases! Moreover, a woman’s sex-drive does not go away when she has children. If anything, having children causes her to want sex more than ever. (I am referring to after her body recovers from the birthing process.)
To illustrate this point in an extreme fashion, I have encountered women who were in the hospital for serious issues… in one case, a woman who was literally dying with cancer… and yet even in such dire circumstances, it was easy to observe romantic, sexual notions going through the mind of these women… and being reflected on their faces… as they interacted with an attractively-operating MAN.
Observations like these confirm the fact that until the day she dies… regardless of circumstances and conditions… what a woman wants… and dreams of… does not change. What she wants will ALWAYS be a part of who she is.
Perhaps you have wondered what exactly it is that women want. Maybe you have grappled with trying to understand what your own wife specifically wants. You may even be one of those men who have joked about not knowing what women want. Well, what a normal woman wants is actually very simple… and I am going to reveal it to you right here:
“What a woman wants more than anything else in life is a man who she can have a life-long positive, inspiring, passionate, fun, exciting, meaningful, significant, successful, loving, warm, affectionate, intimate, and sex-filled relationship with. Sure, there are other things a woman wants in life too. Typically, she wants to have children. Typically, there are hopes and dreams that she wants to see realized. But, above all else, what a woman wants is a satisfying relationship with a man who operates in an attractive, desirable, appealing, and sexy way.”
Now, let’s consider what is being said here: I am asserting that women do not lose their sex drive after getting married or after having children… and yet, it is a well-known, commonly-acknowledged, frequently-experienced fact that a large percentage of wives become not-very-sexual after marriage.
So, does this mean my assertion is wrong?
Well, it is true that many wives do stop being as sexual with their husband after they have been married for a while… but the not-intuitive point to understand is this: just because a wife has stopped being as sexual with her husband does NOT mean that she has stopped desiring sex!
When a wife stops being sexual with her husband… that most-often means she has lost the feelings that cause her to desire sex with her husband… she has lost the feelings that open her up to wanting sex with her husband… but she still very much has the desire for sex with an attractively-operating man.
Here is the RULE every husband must understand: A woman cannot long be sexual with an undeveloped, unattractively-operating guy.
Logically, you know this rule is true because you understand that in the inverse, you yourself could not long remain sexual with a gross, repulsive woman.
Now, this rule begs the question, “How does a woman INITIALLY desire sex with an undeveloped, unattractively-operating guy?”
Well, let’s drill down into what happens…
By age 13 at the latest… sometimes even much younger than this… a female starts BUILDING a fantasy in her mind of what it would be like to be with a male. She spends a LOT of time building this fantasy. She builds it by talking about it with her female-friends. She builds it by watching romantic movies. She builds it by reading romantic books and magazines, and so on.
Consequently, by the time she is of marrying age, all she needs is a “cute guy” with a nice smile, a passable body, and reasonably decent manners to show her some interest and attention… so that SHE can plug him in to HER fantasy.
The critical point here is that in most cases, the typical guy did NOT get into a relationship with his lady because he had great skill. He got into a relationship with her because she had spent years craving a guy… she had spent years imagining a romanticized, idealized relationship with a guy… and all she needed was a guy to plug in to her fantasy… and he happened to be the one who made it easy for her to plug him in.
Now, a female’s fantasy is something that excites her… it is something that she wants… it is something that turns her on… AND THE RESPONSE THAT THE FEMALE HAS TO HER OWN FANTASY… creates a warm, affectionate, intimate, and sexual response in her towards the guy she has plugged in.
Comically, this often leads the guy into thinking that he is a “stud”… that he is “the man”.
But, by the time they have been married for 6-36 months, it has typically become very clear to the female that the guy she married is NOTHING like the guy she had imagined in her fantasy… which drives her to UN-plug her husband from her fantasy… which squelches her desire relative to him… which squelches her willingness to be affectionate, intimate, and sexual with him… and soon enough, the guy no longer feels like a “stud”… soon enough, the guy feels like he has “lost it”… and he very much feels like his marriage is a “dud”.
What is frustrating to the husband is that he does not know what happened. He cannot figure out why his wife went from so hot and passionate… to so cold and distant. And, he is left feeling stumped with no clue about how to take his relationship with his wife back to what it used to be.
Well, here is what I can tell you…
The root problem is a lack-of-development problem… a lack-of-female-handling-skill problem… a lack-of-masculine-attractiveness problem!
Now, the typical husband is plenty masculine and attractive in his workplace, hobbies, and other areas of his life. But, when the typical husband walks through the front door of his house… and he starts interacting and relating with his wife… a woman who REALLY knows him for who and what he is… a woman who has firsthand knowledge and experience of his lack of female-handling development and skill… THAT IS WHEN THINGS FALL APART for him!
And actually, it would not matter WHO the guy was married to… because his mode of operation would reliably create more or less the same response in ANY woman he was married to.
Sadly, the typical husband did not grow up in an environment where his father-figure modeled how to be an attractively-operating man who knew how to lead, manage, handle, and interact with a woman in a positive way. Consequently, the typical husband did not get the REQUIRED development or skills while he was growing up.
Moreover, the typical husband has never taken the personal initiative to develop himself into an attractively operating man… he has never done anything significant towards acquiring the REQUIRED skills.
Either way, the result is that as his wife’s fantasy begins wearing off… as his wife begins to see him for the undeveloped guy he really is… instead of the attractively-operating man she FANTASIZED him to be… and as she progressively UN-plugs him from her fantasy… well, her sex-drive… RELATIVE TO HIM… begins drying up.
So, the net result is that yes there IS a chemical change in his wife… her libido DOES go down… but it is NOT for some mysterious, random, unknown, unquantifiable reason. Actually, there is a very specific reason…
A wife’s libido goes down AS A RESULT OF HOW SHE IS USING HER MIND RELATIVE TO HER HUSBAND… AS A RESULT OF HOW SHE IS RESPONDING TO HIS UNDEVELOPED, UNSKILLED, UNATTRACTIVE MODE OF OPERATION.
But, put this woman in the presence of a developed, skilled man… the kind of man who she WANTS to plug into her fantasy… and you would see her libido sky-rocket in an instant! In the presence of an attractively-operating man with skills, a normal woman’s body will produce MORE THAN ENOUGH hormones to make her sexually hungry and sexually wild!
In other words, when a man learns how to operate and interact in such a way that he creates a turned-on response in a woman’s mind, then he will find that there is NOTHING wrong with her chemical/hormonal configuration and that her desire for sex is just fine.
As it applies to you personally: when you learn how to create the right feelings within your wife’s mind… then she will have the kind of response to YOU that you want her to have!
Let’s dive deeper into this development point: all a woman has to do is just “look good” and she can continue to be attractive, desirable, and a turn-on to her husband. (Of course, in reality there is plenty of effort that goes into “looking good” that many men do not understand or have to deal with… but that is a different topic.) However, this point is NOT true in reverse. As a husband, you can “look good” all day long and that is NOT going to keep your wife turned on towards you. Similarly, you can be an “excellent provider” or a “great dad” and as important as these characteristics are, none of them are going to keep your wife turned on affectionately, intimately, or sexually towards you.
If you want to keep your wife turned on, the ONLY way you can do that is to DEVELOP YOURSELF INTO A MAN WHO UNDERSTANDS FEMALES AND WHO HAS FEMALE ATTRACTING AND HANDLING SKILLS.
In other words, your wife was more or less just born with what she needed to KEEP you attracted to her and turned on by her. But, it does NOT work this way in reverse. You must DEVELOP yourself and your skills in order to KEEP your wife attracted to you and turned-on by you!
That brings us to this: YOUR WIFE STILL HAS HER FANTASY TUCKED SOLIDLY AWAY IN HER MIND!
What this means is that the secret to getting your wife to be as sexual with you as she used to be is to develop yourself into the kind of man that your wife WANTS to plug into her fantasy.
The secret is to actually develop yourself and your skills so that you BECOME the man that your wife originally THOUGHT you were. When you ARE this attractively-operating MAN with skills, then your wife will plug you in to her fantasy and she will have the same kind of response to you NOW that she had towards you BEFORE!
In fact, IF you become and operate as the attractive kind of man I am talking about here… you could not stop your wife from plugging you in to her fantasy and having a turned-on response towards you… even if you wanted to (assuming you have not went so far as to “burn your bridges” with her).
Now, here is something you may find hard to believe… but it is absolutely true… and has been proven to be true by many, many men who have went through my program: you can in fact develop yourself and your skills such that you become even MORE attractively-operating, desirable, appealing, and sexy than anything your lady ever imagined… which means that she will have an even MORE intimate, affectionate, and sexual response towards you than she has ever had before… meaning that YOU CAN create a relationship with your wife NOW that is BETTER than anything the two of you have ever shared before. Believe it or not, it is true!
All it takes is YOU making the decision that you ARE going to develop yourself and your skills. The rest will happen naturally and automatically… just like it did the FIRST time. The difference is that THIS TIME, YOU WILL BE THE REAL DEAL… THIS TIME, A GREAT MARRIAGE WILL BE SUSTAINABLE AND ENDURING… in short, the good times will LAST!
Copyright 2014, Article by Calle Zorro of MarriedAndHappy.com